I am not the first person to write about the epidemic, or rather the pandemic, of the “nice guy syndrome”. Here are some differences between the “nice guy” and the “strong/kind man”:
1.) The nice guy supplicates. His niceness is based on the reaction of other people. He gets upset when others do not reciprocate his niceness, in particular he gets angry and defensive with women. The strong/kind man comes from a different place. Sometimes his behaviours towards others will look similar to the nice guy, but he is entirely different. The strong/kind man comes from a place of strength and emotional independence. He is kind and polite, actually quite charming and chivalrous, but these virtues stem from an inner code that he follows. He is not distraught when the other person does not reciprocate his actions.
2.) The nice guy keeps score. He often feels “betrayed” by friends and particularly women. He remembers all the nice things that he has done for the lady in his life, and although he will never admit it, he expects pay back. Essentially he feels the need to trap people through manipulation. The strong/kind man does not keep score. He gives freely on his terms. Since he gives on his own terms he does not get into situations where he feels he needs to keep giving and giving in order to maintain a relationship. He builds relationships based on freedom and mutual respect.
3.) The nice guy is a “guy”. He is male physiologically, yet he is more and more feminine emotionally. He tries to “relate” to women and places them on a pedestal. The strong/kind man is a man through and through. He has manly pursuits of his own, he is a man in both body and spirit. He treats his woman well, but once again it comes from a place of strength rather than neediness.
4) The nice guy is needy. He needs people to listen to him, he needs attention, he needs motherly affection from his woman. In conjunction with his neediness comes his anger. Below his niceness he is actually quite frustrated and angry. The strong/kind man on the other hand has few needs. He vents from time to time and being human, some things get him angry as well, but it is short lived, he is stable.
Contemporary western culture promotes “niceness”. The whole structure of the “Cathedral” from the government to the media have promoted it with such vigour for decades that men are becoming a thing of the past. Boys are indoctrinated from a young age by female teachers as well as feminized men in the education system. Contemporary music, particularly the “love song” gives young men a feminized view of male/female dynamics and relationships. Just as a boy scout cannot teach a Navy SEAL to be a killer, a woman or feminized man cannot teach a boy to become a man.
As with everything else, there is hope. If we choose to work every day to become the best man that we can be, we will succeed. We have role models, we can become role models. We can work to safeguard our cultural traditions whether they come from Europe, Africa or Asia. We can surround ourselves with inspirational things from art to classical/traditional music. We can take time to savour our manly roles, our birthrights. We can spend quality time with other men. We can then spend quality time with our family and feel confident in our masculinity. As we stride through the world as manly, charming, suave, dashing, kind, compassionate and well dressed men, many a woman will see us and think to herself; “Look! There is a man over there, I haven’t seen one of them in ages!”